Tuesday, August 07, 2018

alone and lonely


I am not always this lonely,
but i am actually always this alone,
I wait for some tomorrow that exists in some other era,
I feel stuck from time to time,
but i also feel greatful for my life,
Isn't it human to feel stuck and not find a way
what is the way I look for
what do I want
what does life want from me
does it want anything at all
why am I here,
is there a future waiting for me
will i ever feel differently alive again
when was the last time I felt alive
There is a lot to do,
but what is there to do


Free Flow





When faced with a situation which does not allow us to move in any direction, it is called being stuck. I am sure everyone goes through this. But when it starts and it never ends, then what do you call it?
"Forever stuck?"
The very sound of this word, makes me sad, anxious, agitated, angry and very very low. Because you cant be stuck forever, its not normal. We all make attempts to break the cycle, to do something to get unstuck, but somehow end up going back to usual very soon.
A power packed act here, a ritual there, and a few days of good sun shine, after which we go back into the same cave we usually go to. The stuck cave.

What do I do to unstuck myself?

Well, I walk, i take walking breaks, a lot of them. I wish I could take more and go on long walks. But my countries attitude towards women alone, doesn't really give me the freedom to walk wherever and whenever I want. Especially, freely on the roads, or a lakeside or a park. Anything could happen to you.

Next, I take singing breaks, yes, i sit down on my mat and do some serious 'riyaaz' mostly for half hour or an hour. After which i usually feel good and generous. And loving and all. But again it lasts for a short while only.

Breathing breaks, Yep, i sit down and just breath for a few minutes. I like to use meditation apps. Some of these apps have beautiful voices and people with indepth insights and knowledge on matters close to my heart or for that matter anyones heart. If you have the time explore them. Could be worth your time too.

Stare at the sky and grass breaks.
I just sit like a 'Guggu' (idiot in Kannada) lol, and stare at the sky, and clouds and everything above. Sometimes I get lucky to spot white doves and sometimes actual 'Goobes' (Sparrow- slang word in kannada :D)



Yoga break
I actually like to stretch out on my manduka mat and feel my breath and hear my bones creak. If you close your eyes into the simplest poses it makes a lot of difference. But again, the effects of it may or may not last depending on your environment. Sometimes it takes more than just a stretch, you may even have to try to bend your back completly into a snake pose or a much advanced stand on your head pose. I don't try too hard by the way. I am happy with moving just a little bit.

Poem breaks
I like to write or scribble into my notepad or some app, where no one knows me. Where total strangers read me and leave appreciative notes instead of dead silence of known friends and family. Yeah, this sucks. Sometimes unknown people are better than most people you know, but wait till they know you and the praise will stop right there.
Green breaks
I also spend a lot of time going and meeting my green friends in short intervals. This was my garden before it got a makeover by a nice maali, (Gardener) Greenery gives my heart the solace which it looks for, i don't feel that alone when I am with my plants.


Dance break.
Put on some soft music or bhangra or some exhillerating new age music and move to the beat. This is something i dont do very often these days, maybe I should start all over again.

I write blogs :)

Play the guitar, I hardly learnt a few chords and a few beats. So i like to strum those when I want to feel a flow.

I talk to my parents when its really bad.
I talk to very few people and now its mostly on the messages, so yes as i write this i realise how lonely people are getting or its just me.

What are your breaks? How do you unwind from time to time, what relaxes you and free's you from the anxt?
I would really really love to hear from anyone who writes back..


Thursday, August 02, 2018

A heart to heart with Dhanashree

A Chat With Dhanashri Ghaisas, A Fresh Young Voice From The Jaipur-Atrauli Gharana

Dhanashri Ghaisas, a talented Hindustani vocalist of Jaipur-Atrauli gharana, shishya of Vidushi Dr Ashwini Bhide Deshpande, says passion for music is what drives her.
Bollywood, popular media, many advertising commercials and stand up gigs, haven’t really helped the cause of Indian classical music much. There is mostly a comical way of portraying riyaaz (practice of music) as, “Aaaa” gamaks, and people getting bored or youngsters making excuses and running away from it. This is far from reality, but directly or indirectly, popular mass media has done quite a lot of damage. But, more and more youngsters taking up Hindustani music and Carnatic Music seriously are definitely challenging this perception.
Proving such clichéd portrayals wrong is one such young upcoming Hindustani classical vocalist, 32-year-old Dhanashri Ghaisas. She happens to be the student of renowned Hindustani classical vocalist Dr Ashwini Bhide-Deshpande. A musician, an erstwhile architect, a wife, a mother, a homemaker and a performing artiste now, she wears many hats with grace. Her music is important to her, and despite being busy with everything else in life, her time for everyday riyaaz is non-negotiable.

One voice, many stages

A recipient of the ‘President’s Gold Medal’ by the All India Radio for Semi classical and Light music, Dhanashri stood first in Hindustani Vocal music in the All India competition by Acharya Vishwanath Dev Sarma foundation, USA and is a Graded artist of all India radio. She has performed at various classical and semi classical music concerts in India and abroad.
The Pandit Sawai Gandharva Bhimsen Mahotsav is one of the world’s most prominent and popular Indian classical concerts. This program was started in 1953 by Pandit Bhimsen Joshi, a great Hindustani classical singer, as a music conference to commemorate the achievements of his master, the legendary Pandit Sawai Gandharva. To any Hindustani music afficinado this program will be on the top of any list as a must go to program. It is also extremely popular as a concert that showcases every upcoming and promising talent in the world of Hindustani classical music. Dhanashri Ghaisas was invited to sing on this stage in 2016.
Ganasaraswati Mahotsav is another great stage, which was started in 2013 to commemorate the Ganasaraswati Kishori Amonkar Tai’s contribution to music. This stage not only is a stage for taking the music of legends to the masses but it also promotes upcoming promising talent too.
Performances on these stages such as Shreemath Sangeet Samaroh in Benaras, the Pandit Mallikarjun Mahotsav in Dharwad, and many others too, are very special to her as audiences in such places are quite learned and it’s a joy to perform in places where the music is understood, not only appreciated.
Dhanashri has also received the Late Seetaram Dixit and Malati Dixit award for semi-classical music, as well as scholarships from the Ministry of Culture, Government of India, the Sawai Gandharva Scholarship and the Late Ushatai Muzumdar scholarship.

Born into music

Dhanashri was born into a musically inclined family and grew up listening to music. Her mother is a classical music student, who trained under Smt Kamal Tambe, a senior disciple of Ganatapaswini Moghubai Kurdikar. She grew up surrounded by the Hindustani genre, thus being strongly influenced by it. She considers herself fortunate and blessed to have Dr Ashwini Bhide as her guru, whom she fondly refers to as Ashwini tai. But the inherent talent only started nurturing and forming shape in her teens. Her first guru Smt. Kumudini Katadare disciple of Smt. Kamal Tambe started honing her skills at the age of 16.
Later, it was but the most natural choice to turn to her own aunt, her mother’s brother’s wife, Dr Ashwini Bhide, who took her under her guidance, furthering her natural talents and inclination towards Hindustani classical Sangeet.

My Guru, my tai

Not only music, but a way of life is what one learns from a guru. Every guru and shishya has a special bond, and a Guru is more than just a teacher. Not only does she impart her knowledge, a guru shows you the path.
guru can give you their best, but it is on the shishya to take it forward by diligent ‘riyaaz’ and practice, and being the shishya of a vocalist fo Dr Bhide’s stature certainly comes with a responsibility. “As everyone knows, Ashwini Bhide is a multi-faceted person. From acquiring masters in Microbiology to a Doctorate in Biochemistry, it doesn’t come easy. Seeing how she did so well in whatever she took up, was a huge learning curve for me and all her students,” says Dhanashri.
Before Dhanashri got married and moved to Mumbai she shuttled her way from Pune to Mumbai every week for her sessions with her guru Dr Bhide. Learning was always an enjoyable process which she never considered a chore. Her motto has been to enjoy her learning curve as much as possible.
One may ponder: on belonging to one family, how did they maintain a guru shishya distance? “My tai never differentiated between other students and me. Though being a part of the family and being a close knit one gave me an edge to observe the thought process and creativity of a great mind and how it works. To observe a genius living, breathing and thinking so closely was a privilege,” shares Dhanashri.

A raag or a building – make the foundation strong!

Dhanashri is also an architect, who has worked in the field of architecture for 5 years. She gave it all up for music, as her calling for it was much stronger, thus making music her chosen path.
“Both these subjects are very close to my heart. I feel they are both mediums of expressions, and are trying to say something, an idea, thought or emotion. When you design a building, its foundation is the most important thing, but you also have to pay attention to its aesthetics, utility, and functionality. In music, a musician has to build a raag, with sur-lay getting together, and create good music.”
Furthering this thought, she shares, “There is a sense of proportion, symmetry, and balance that is common to both, as both are art forms. It could be structured like a building or expressed like a painting. What you have to say is most important.”

Passion for whatever you do is supreme

On how she manages motherhood and a musical journey, Dhanashri feels, if one is passionate, nothing can stop you from your goals. Having a family is a blessing, not a stop or hindrance. “My family has been my biggest support system and I owe them everything. If there is enough passion in you, you will manage everything and still find time for your art or job or whatever it is you do. Being passionate enough is everything to sustain multi tasking in life, I feel”.

Is it a race out there like every other field?

I always enjoyed what I learnt, I never looked at it as – oh I have to do this, come what may, I will accomplish this. No, that wasn’t the approach for me. There was a love for music, and I thoroughly enjoyed my classes and learnt with immense joy”.
Dhanashri also feels there is a healthy competitive spirit around her, and she wants to do better than yesterday and doesn’t compare herself to anyone. She owes a lot of this to her Tai, whom she quotes advising, “Find your individuality in your music, and establish that.” Dhanashri makes it her moto to follow this and tries to be very individualistic in her renderings.
I was fortunate to listen to her croon exclusively for me, a woman centric Hori, “Tum Radhe bano Shyam, hum nandalala”, you be the radhe, and let me be Krishna for a change, and play hori with me. Dhanashri’s bold but extremely melodious voice continues to linger in my ears.

Riyaaz is the only way, no shortcuts!

Dhanashri stresses on everyday riyaaz, because, “if you are practicing on a daily basis then you have command over your medium through which you are trying to express your music. You can then present your music to your best of your ability in a concert. Accompanying the guru on stage is a huge learning experience. Tai always gives her shishyas an opportunity to sing in between in her concerts, and does appreciate if they do well, and encourages them to do better. Sometimes listening to a shishya accompanying her guru on the taanpura, people invite them to perform independently in festivals which are organised to showcase the talent of new budding artistes like us.”

Message to all budding artistes

“If you have enough passion about your own music, pursue it. Enjoy the process, and work hard.“
Images source: Dhanashri Ghaisas

Friday, June 22, 2018

My Castle Nap In UK!



We all think too much these days, and we analyze and dissect every thought or emotion or logic we have. In a way its good, it keeps us busy and engaged. But how productive are we when we do this? Does it serve us any purpose? Yesterday, I wrote about how much i analyze and think and my wish to do lesser and think lesser and be the observer. In the past i have also written about listening as an art. 

As I think and write about this, i am taken aback to a day in my life, somewhere a decade ago. It was one time, i think i had the most restful sleep in my entire life. I slept like a baby under a beautiful tree. This was in UK, a castle called Leeds castle, near London. In its larger than life premises, no vehicles are allowed. Its not like India where, we lazy buggers are allowed that lenience everywhere, and if we don't get it, we fight against rules and "Protest". 

It was afternoon time and we had had a nice game of volleyball and frisbee with a team full of enthusiastic colleagues of my husband. We had had our packed meal like typical Indians, laid out picnic baskets and all and right on the sprawling lawns of the Leeds, we had our lunch. I remember it was opposite the maze that our India noisy group sat and gobbled on Parathas with pickles and curd rice. 

After lunch the team decided it was time for 'tug of war' and the wives or girl friends on one team and men on the other or some thing like this was decided. So down the team went to a stream or pond and decided to battle it out there. As I saw all of them running excitedly towards the pond, something struck me. The sheer beauty of that place and the view I got from there. I decided to stay back there and found myself a small place under a massive tree's shade. I loitered around there while I could hear the entire team of this excited Indian bunch bubbling with enthusiasm down there with their rope and preparations to pull and tug at it. 

I had a mat with me and i laid it out and there i went. I sat there staring at the English Countryside with almost jaw dropping at how beautiful it was. It was sheer bliss. And we were in the backyard of a castle, what more could i ask for. For a new bride, i was quite the contrary, comfortable in my new environment. I had no idea this was going to be my best nap ever. As this group faded from my eyes, i relished the breeze around, the English sun, my own stories of the castle and the past in my head, the lunch, i never realized my eyes just shut and there I went into a beautiful siesta on the grass. I have no idea how long i slept or whether some grasshoppers went over my head, but I had the best sleep ever. I still remember how rested I was laying in the grass, watching my husband play like a child with his team members. It was really bliss. I stared into nothing, and then at the group, from there into the pond and stream, at the ducks far off, at white peacocks somewhere really far off, majestically, strutting their stuff up and down for the charmed visitors. 

Sometimes you need to experience that state of no thoughts and no awareness to enjoy life. Now if I think of it, maybe it was my earthly experience of laying in the grass being alive and able to enjoy the world from there. This was my best nap ever. The one which I will cherish for long. Leeds Castle, Uk. :) 

Anybody reading this, if you think this was something you related to, write to me, about your favourite nap time, where, how, whys.. Should be interesting. 

(PS- If you are in London, or UK, visit some castles, its worth it) :) 


Tuesday, June 19, 2018

I analyse and i ruin

Every expression, on her face,
I read, i absorbed, i memorised,
Only to play it again and again
To torment myself,
Just a little more,
Every little smug smile,
Or a sly glance at me, i notice
I don't forget it,
It pierce's my eyes, first
Then my heart, rarely it does reach my soul
Iam thankful not everything is stored there,
She writes, something on her wall,
I glance, I store, and torment myself again,
Is that for me
What did i do
Sometimes i think so much,
I can ruin moments,
Sometimes i cant even remain in a moment,
I find it so excruciating to be here,
In the now, nowadays,
Is it just me?
Or it's every body?
Does everyone analyse things as much as I do
Maybe they do,
Coz if they didn't,
There would be more smiles and laughter around
In a world full of so many opinions
I drown in a sea of my own analytics
I look forward to a world
Where I think less
And do even lesser,
I just could be the observer
The witness,
I could calmly let the world go by
And watch with non attachment in my heart
Is that worth it?
Would that humor me, just a little bit?

Monday, May 21, 2018

Too close for comfort-Bombaying Bengaluru?





Image result for small pretty dream homes
(If you are wondering, why this image? its my dream, well sort of and it doesn't exist in reality, at least not in the current "Grab every inch of earth and destroy it for i want my money" type of scenario.)

As we complete almost a decade in our first home, I long and fidjet to move out our current home into a new place. Ofcourse I haven't found my dream place as of yet. Mostly because i know nothing of that sort exists anymore. You either like what you get, or you get what you want. The later being more difficult, as it involves, searching for what you want, narrowing down on the place, doing research on neighborhood, and a whole lot of things.

Any visit to a newly launched complex in Bangalore throws you out of balance. Atleast thats the case with me, as I am what you call an old Bangalorean and am more use to a low rise life style with a minimal respectful space of bedrooms and kitchen and bathroom spaces. We grew up witnessing, big spaces, large verandahs, warm halls, decent enough for bed and study type bedrooms and still had space for a small garden and two coconut trees.

Image result for apartmentsIt comes as a shock to me, when I walk into these larger than life building complexes and hear these trained men and women speak about ameneties first before anything else, because I guess thats the only thing attractive about these "Zombie" zones.  With many a promised grounds and playgrounds, these massive projects plan to revive the play zones and have cricket, football or basket ground places. But I doubt their intentions as so much of what they plan to offer is a compromise of sorts. They also charge you for a view. Yes! You heard that right, i was shocked to know, they charge for something they did not build or create. there is the sky and the trees which many of them they uprooted, so if you want a particular view there is a price on it.

Some of the rooms do not even have windows, if you select a particular size, suppose that is what you can afford, so if you select the minimum square foot home, you will miss out of many windows. My question is how much profits do these people want to make, and why? View charge- Oh really? "Ridiculous"

So now I pay to view the sky, which is basically a stupid sur charge on nature. And what is with the size of the rooms and kitchens, everything is shrunk and made to model houses in Bombay. Never did Bangalore witness such small bathrooms. Its clearly a compromised way of life. And the neighbors are always too close for comfort. I just feel even in plots, these days, people refuse to let go of an inch of land and construct on every inch, the concept of leaving space for a garden is long forgotten. Who has the time to maintain one. I will have the prettiest house only to show it to maximum number of people, that this is my Tajmahal.

I am all for change and progress folks, do not get me wrong, but this business of cutting corners and shrinking the size of every inch of what use to be a home, now a compromise just doesn't go down well with me. I am unable to cope with this rapid "Bombaying" of my city.

Just the other day, i spoke to someone who lives on a farm of 3 acres. I was thrilled to get to meet someone who lives on farm in Bangalore in todays time, so i asked her, how wonderful it must be. She said, yes, it use to be, but now, the city has come closer and it no more is an area which is cut off from the hustle. I was disappointed again. Another day, i met a cousins friend who had a farm in the outskirts where they would throw new years party for close ones. She also sighed and said, its no more a farm land and that, they are under constant threat to shut shop and sell the green patch with 100 year old trees. As the concrete wants to take over, in short real estate wants to engulf every inch of the living mother earth and we cant do a thing. We cannot do anything about it. We can wail, we can complain, we can go on and on about the ills, but no, i realised we cant stop this plunder.

Once upon a time, foreigners  invaded our land and history talks about loots and decoys and destruction of land and property by these foreigners. Its the same today, but a little different, in the sense people looting are apparently rich real estate sahabs who are hungrily looking at the next forest to take down, or the next lake to destroy, to sell us another dream, to put a charge on what view we have, i wonder where the world is going, and then, i am called a cynic.
Is it my fault?

Couldn't they let this land just be!

Friday, May 04, 2018

Work! - Womens Web

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/05/why-every-woman-needs-work/a

Please click on this link to read this article. I am posting it here, cause it has the most number of clicks as an article online, for me, till now..



Capernaum