I analyse and i ruin

Every expression, on her face,
I read, i absorbed, i memorised,
Only to play it again and again
To torment myself,
Just a little more,
Every little smug smile,
Or a sly glance at me, i notice
I don't forget it,
It pierce's my eyes, first
Then my heart, rarely it does reach my soul
Iam thankful not everything is stored there,
She writes, something on her wall,
I glance, I store, and torment myself again,
Is that for me
What did i do
Sometimes i think so much,
I can ruin moments,
Sometimes i cant even remain in a moment,
I find it so excruciating to be here,
In the now, nowadays,
Is it just me?
Or it's every body?
Does everyone analyse things as much as I do
Maybe they do,
Coz if they didn't,
There would be more smiles and laughter around
In a world full of so many opinions
I drown in a sea of my own analytics
I look forward to a world
Where I think less
And do even lesser,
I just could be the observer
The witness,
I could calmly let the world go by
And watch with non attachment in my heart
Is that worth it?
Would that humor me, just a little bit?

Too close for comfort-Bombaying Bengaluru?

(If you are wondering, why this image? its my dream, well sort of and it doesn't exist in reality, at least not in the current "Grab every inch of earth and destroy it for i want my money" type of scenario.)

As we complete almost a decade in our first home, I long and fidjet to move out our current home into a new place. Ofcourse I haven't found my dream place as of yet. Mostly because i know nothing of that sort exists anymore. You either like what you get, or you get what you want. The later being more difficult, as it involves, searching for what you want, narrowing down on the place, doing research on neighborhood, and a whole lot of things.

Any visit to a newly launched complex in Bangalore throws you out of balance. Atleast thats the case with me, as I am what you call an old Bangalorean and am more use to a low rise life style with a minimal respectful space of bedrooms and kitchen and bathroom spaces. We grew up witnessing, big spaces, large verandahs, warm halls, decent enough for bed and study type bedrooms and still had space for a small garden and two coconut trees.

It comes as a shock to me, when I walk into these larger than life building complexes and hear these trained men and women speak about ameneties first before anything else, because I guess thats the only thing attractive about these "Zombie" zones.  With many a promised grounds and playgrounds, these massive projects plan to revive the play zones and have cricket, football or basket ground places. But I doubt their intentions as so much of what they plan to offer is a compromise of sorts. They also charge you for a view. Yes! You heard that right, i was shocked to know, they charge for something they did not build or create. there is the sky and the trees which many of them they uprooted, so if you want a particular view there is a price on it.

Some of the rooms do not even have windows, if you select a particular size, suppose that is what you can afford, so if you select the minimum square foot home, you will miss out of many windows. My question is how much profits do these people want to make, and why? View charge- Oh really? "Ridiculous"

So now I pay to view the sky, which is basically a stupid sur charge on nature. And what is with the size of the rooms and kitchens, everything is shrunk and made to model houses in Bombay. Never did Bangalore witness such small bathrooms. Its clearly a compromised way of life. And the neighbors are always too close for comfort. I just feel even in plots, these days, people refuse to let go of an inch of land and construct on every inch, the concept of leaving space for a garden is long forgotten. Who has the time to maintain one. I will have the prettiest house only to show it to maximum number of people, that this is my Tajmahal.

I am all for change and progress folks, do not get me wrong, but this business of cutting corners and shrinking the size of every inch of what use to be a home, now a compromise just doesn't go down well with me. I am unable to cope with this rapid "Bombaying" of my city.

Just the other day, i spoke to someone who lives on a farm of 3 acres. I was thrilled to get to meet someone who lives on farm in Bangalore in todays time, so i asked her, how wonderful it must be. She said, yes, it use to be, but now, the city has come closer and it no more is an area which is cut off from the hustle. I was disappointed again. Another day, i met a cousins friend who had a farm in the outskirts where they would throw new years party for close ones. She also sighed and said, its no more a farm land and that, they are under constant threat to shut shop and sell the green patch with 100 year old trees. As the concrete wants to take over, in short real estate wants to engulf every inch of the living mother earth and we cant do a thing. We cannot do anything about it. We can wail, we can complain, we can go on and on about the ills, but no, i realised we cant stop this plunder.

Once upon a time, foreigners  invaded our land and history talks about loots and decoys and destruction of land and property by these foreigners. Its the same today, but a little different, in the sense people looting are apparently rich real estate sahabs who are hungrily looking at the next forest to take down, or the next lake to destroy, to sell us another dream, to put a charge on what view we have, i wonder where the world is going, and then, i am called a cynic.
Is it my fault?

Couldn't they let this land just be!

Work! - Womens Web

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/05/why-every-woman-needs-work/a

Please click on this link to read this article. I am posting it here, cause it has the most number of clicks as an article online, for me, till now..

The purpose's? The WHY's

WHY



They say that, in life even if you do not know the answers, if you know the right questions, you might be on your way to the path you have been searching for.

I had written a blog here, "for what purpose", about a few years back. Today i am re-visiting, the same dialogue, conversation, and thought. How many of us give a thought to an action before it is done. I am afraid not many of you? if you do, then, so good for you, but if you are like me and the majority of us, its most likely that you do the action and then give it a thought, why am I doing this, or why did I do this. Many may not even have an after thought, of their action.

In my last blog about purpose, I had mentioned a lady who asked me, for what purpose do you learn vocal-music, and I had a vague response to it, and I was also surprisingly, egoistically, angry with the lady and her question. Its as if, how dare she not understand my vagueness and ask me this. Of course i am the most philosophical person on earth and "she" should know that, music is learnt just for music itself.
Ugh! how vague is that!

Today, as I sit with my new found love which is, the guitar, I wonder, why am I learning this. Only this time, i have a more specific reason. I want to be my own musician because in the past i have faced lot of trouble, engaging instrumentalists to accompany my song practices. So much so that I have annoyed quite a few with my constant need to lean on them for my own practice. So here goes, yes i have a specific purpose and i can proudly declare it to the world too. I am no more vague about it.

When i posted my blog in 2006/7 with my "Tanpura" looking all divine, it was great, but then, i had no purpose and the lady who asked me this, was right. She asked me the right question, purpose is indeed everything. Without a specific goal in mind, without a destination in sight, without a purpose set to achieve, I lost track of the "WHY" and the WHY is everything. Why am I doing this,  why am i venturing out on this new mission, why am i marrying this person (Btw, most important question of your life, the rest of your life, will be decided by the outcome of this one question, believe me). These why's will make your life easier as they will give you constant clarity. This clarity leads to peace and peace leads to better results, which is what most of us look for.

Today, I am looking for an answer as to "Why" I seek out classical music so much and then do not end up doing justice to my hours of learning, searching, commuting to teachers, finding them, paying for my classes. WHY do I, or why did I do all this for so many years? While its useless to search for questions in past I want to know.

Why now?
One of my first Gurujees, teachers, passed away yesterday. I had no idea how much it could hurt. As I went to see him one last time, I saw him lay there like an angel, taking rest. He looked peaceful and blissful. He was at ease. There was no turmoil on his face. He had 4 daughters whom he had married and seen all his grandchildren. He spent his lifetime worshiping music and in 'Sadhana'. His daughter told me that he was up and about till the last day getting the children ice cream and cakes, I think this is the kind of exit any human may want, without suffering, without the pain of illness etc. I have seen many people go away. But Gurujee looked beautiful in his sleep, like an angel and messenger of music and love.

So, my only message is, ask yourself, WHY! Today, before embarking on my next class, i am seriously going to find the answer to why I want to learn further. Find the why, seek it, it will give you what you are looking for.

A Poem

Early mornings are time for some music practise and with that comes the inspiration to write. My morning ramblings, posted on a writing app. Trying to post here.

I may never have this cup of coffee,
With you again, in the same way,
I may never sip the same way,
We may never get to laugh at the same joke again,
I may never get to sit in that bar stool ever again,
I may, just not in the same way, not in the same place,
Not in the exact moment,
I may not look at you the same way I looked in that moment ever again,
I may, in some other moment,
Have something else with you,
But we might never ever see the same
Cloud pass by ever again,
Do you realize, how precious each moment is
Can we see how the smallest things we are doing,
Is creating a memory somewhere,
Of the roads, of the billboards passing,
Of the narrow lanes,
Of the wider ones,
Of the river flowing along, as we talk of childhood,
Moments, like that cup of coffee, don't come back,
We might have some other cup,
But that same moment, nah!
Never.

Burning issue- Bruhut Bengaluru!

Its about 4 am or a little more than 4 am, maybe 4.10 am, but its am, yes, morning, early morning. Once again I cannot sleep any longer, something is keeping me awake. I wonder how the hell is everyone asleep. How is an entire population of people, not bothered? doesn't care, wont move, will lie like a log. Not that i am blaming them, they had a tough day, a bad day, a busy day, a rough day, so understandable, sleep is important.

But, not when your house is on Fire! Literally, now its a pile next to your house, or a huge collection centre on the main road, tomorrow, it could actually be in our homes. Actually even if its not in our homes, its smoke, it enters our homes. it is bad, very bad.
Right now, is my yoga time and i am up here on my desk writing this, as i just cannot concentrate on myself anymore with this raging issue facing us. But people are sleeping.

"Hey did you smell that?
What?
That horrible smell of garbage and smoke?!!!
Oh, oh, now that you say, yaaaa... hmmmm, what to do...

End of story. End of conversation. I want to continue my practise and then move on to my other early morning chores, but here i am, unable to bear the smog and smoke anymore. I have personally gone down so many times to tell people not to do this, but they have their own arguments.

Burner- What will we do will this pile then madam, you tell us?
Me - Wait for the BBMP to come and collect the trash.
B - That and all wont happen madam, so this is the best.
M- But you shouldn't do this, it is hazardous to the enviornment.
B- When your building was made, do you think there was no pollution.
m- Gaping with no reasoning anymore. But but but...
B - The bbmp doesnt collect mam, even if they do, they themselves go and burn it, so what difference does it make.

I mean, really, doesn't anything matter anymore? And he is not wrong, there are small collection centres in the end of roads, where I have myself seen and reported collection men, burning off the garbage. Right in front of a prestigious complex and school in Jakkur, there is a big black mark on the wall, does anyone bother to stop and ask these garbage collectors, why are you doing this. No, no one. Public apathy is one thing.
Why are agencies not doing their work, is appalling.

Even as I vent, i am coughing the horrible carbon out of my throat as I can feel lumps of the garbage filled smog in my breath. Pranayam my foot. With what, breath in dirt, and breath out what? I feel like putting this up everywhere. But i am sure no one will read this and no one is going to do anything about it.

But I promise myself, this is the beginning. I urge people, if even half a person reads this, do something, collect people, go to these burning spots with buckets of sand or water and throw it on them, do not allow a bunch of fools to spoil the entire atmosphere. This is serious.

Is anyone listening? Good morning Bengaluru.

It matters; write!

I think the biggest challenge free lancers face is, the actual task of selecting a topic which will be relevant to the present and not be some random shit content, which no one will read more than a line.
I have been going through a writers block for the past few months, not sure how many months. Too much social media, too much screen time and the smart phone has made me a bit dumb in using my own intelligence to churn out some content for the websites I wrote in the past or for that matter even my blog.

The last I wrote was for www.womensweb.in and www.bonobology.com. Apart from that I wrote for www.literaryyard.com once. Actually I never expected them to publish my stuff but, there it was, my poem, "Origin", did very well on their site. At least thats what it seemed like.

There are too many reasons for you not to write. Too many, you name it and you know, its a farty reason not to write. I am busy, i run a lot, i have loads of guitar lessons to practice, i sing and i have a small dream to sing one day. God, how much do you dream? did you sing till now? did you have the courage to accept that invitation from your posh neighbor, to go and sing in her residents villa complex. No, right! So, get over it, you will never, or maybe not in the near future, do many things you always wanted to do. So write, because thats what you think of all the time.

I am sure you have read too many blogs by experts on writing and you don't need me to say anything, but what the hell, I need to write it in my blog atleast.

1) Write because you matter:
No matter what you think of yourself, you matter, your voice matters. What you think, feel and say, matters; to you, to people who are vouching on you, and waiting for your brilliance to shine.

2) Dont wait for that perfect moment, it never happens;
lets not be waiters. We all know what happens to them, you wait and then you die. Do you want to die just like that, with all your great ideas and brilliant intents to just be buried or burnt with you. For what? Next life? yeah right, like you have one, how are you so sure? because thats what the movies told you, books told you? right! so good luck with your next life.

3) Just write because you love it;
For the love of yourself and God, write, because thats all you want to do.

4) News on social media channels, tv, internet, radio, its everywhere and everything that we hear generates an idea, or a thought. Start with that, write about your thoughts, maybe you will find your people from there. Someone may agree, disagree, or whatever, atleast you put out your view on a certain happening.

5) It will feel good. Writing will definitely feel good. Trust me, all your sadness and depression and long face, might disappear for a while, when you write. So the more you write, the more healing it is. The better you feel. I am not saying, stop seeing your therapist, or stop those meds, but try your love of writing, its healing. Its healing because for once you will be doing something for yourself.

6) Writers write;
How many times have we heard this. So once again, writers write, they don't sit and vent on social media. They get things done. They write, we write, because it matters to us. Not for anyone else, just for yourself. Do it.

7) Expect nothing; be brave, put it out

Enough said, gotta sleep now, i have running practice in the morning. Early morning. See I got something done today, so start.
Good Luck.