Capernaum

 Why???? 

The first reaction to this heart wrenching tale of a  boy who sue’s his parents for his birth, will shake you, and you may cry a lot, you may not be the same ever again. 

Capharnaum, is a movie, about a little boy from Beirut, Lebanon capital. As soon as you see the first scene you know that this is no set, these are not actors, the kids are not white actors or black actors. everyone is real and some of the characters like the judges, are played by retired judges of the place. 

Zain is the main character of the story and he runs away from home, when the abuse and poverty of the parents becomes unbearable. Zain is a beautiful boy who loves his sister, and when theres injustice done to the child of 11 years, he runs away. 

He ends up caring for a strangers baby, and ends up on the streets, under dangerous circumstances. Its out an out a story through the eyes of Zain the child. He ends up in jail for a crime he commits in rage. Not revealing the whole story. I think its a movie to be seen by each human being. The director hasn’t used any hyperbole, or hate, or judgement, or taken sides to show us the situation in Beirut, Lebanon. 

Coming across almost, like a documentary, Zain’s story of child abuse, emotional abuse, his love for his sister, his maturity which happens due to his circumstances, his pain, his tears, his sweet face and those greenish blue eyes.. everything just takes you on a tale which makes you wonder, why, why this pain, why so much pain, why do children, the most defenseless and tender beings, who are in the beginning of their lives, sometimes pay for their parents lacadisical approach to life… In the end Zain sues them and tells the judge to ask them to stop having more children. Maybe he never sees them again, as by now, Zain has grown so much, that he doesn’t need them to take care of him.. After his sentence we don’t know what happens , but wherever he or such children are, I hope they see a better life, i hope, parents procreate more consciously. 

Capernaum also a French word for Chaos.. is the right word for the state the world is in today… Utter chaos… 

Watch it.. Its on Prime. 

Bliss - Music i go to these days

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8vVkAu7DRo&list=RDt8vVkAu7DRo&start_radio=1

One could sit here and listen to this music forever and forget about the world behind.
Its really healing to do so. By the way, these are not my feet. They are my husbands, we had been to a fort city in Karnataka. Chitradurga. Its one of the most enticing place I have ever seen. Its mysterious, breathtakingly beautiful except for the town which has grown into the fort, well, almost.

This blue water is visible from the Chitradurga dam, on the way out of the town, its a slight diversion from the main highway inside. Inside the village, towards the dam, stand really massive and beautiful Peepul trees with magestic roots till the ground. Further up is the dam. It has a flight of stairs with atleast a 75 steps. The view is beautiful. Out there, get to this link, sit on the benches and listen with eyes at the water or closed. Its a heavenly feeling.

Click on this link and enjoy this blissful music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8vVkAu7DRo&list=RDt8vVkAu7DRo&start_radio=1

Enjoy

Finding me

I have forgotten what it is to be me,
I no longer recognize my voice
don't know if it's me or someone's advice
scared to see the truth,
scared to acknowledge my deeper side
the one that wants
one that desires
I no longer know if i love, or i like
I dont know if i must go this way or that,
I connect soon and disconnect faster
holding on to people who have moved away
was never my idea
but life looks scary like a bungee jump
when I let go
they say, act, take action, it's time
but my heart asks for more time
my head goes back and forth all the time
memories, present moment or somewhere far away,
have I gone crazy
why the hallucinations that one day..
I have forgotten myself
my innermost self, my breath
who am I,
to myself,
The confusion?
the chaos?
 the little moments of clarity?
the seeds of this state were put long back
when a little girl,
I long to go back
to be one with the little girl and tell her
be more accepting,
be more adventurous
be your unapologetic self
be bold, brave, embracing life,
forget the scars, it's ok,
hug them, and let them go,
But I end up in self-pity each time, instead,
It's time,
Let go
Free fall..
©malinimisra

alone and lonely

I am not always this lonely,
but i am actually always this alone,
I wait for some tomorrow that exists in some other era,
I feel stuck from time to time,
but i also feel greatful for my life,
Isn't it human to feel stuck and not find a way
what is the way I look for
what do I want
what does life want from me
does it want anything at all
why am I here,
is there a future waiting for me
will i ever feel differently alive again
when was the last time I felt alive
There is a lot to do,
but what is there to do

Free Flow

When faced with a situation which does not allow us to move in any direction, it is called being stuck. I am sure everyone goes through this. But when it starts and it never ends, then what do you call it?
"Forever stuck?"
The very sound of this word, makes me sad, anxious, agitated, angry and very very low. Because you cant be stuck forever, its not normal. We all make attempts to break the cycle, to do something to get unstuck, but somehow end up going back to usual very soon.
A power packed act here, a ritual there, and a few days of good sun shine, after which we go back into the same cave we usually go to. The stuck cave.

What do I do to unstuck myself?

Well, I walk, i take walking breaks, a lot of them. I wish I could take more and go on long walks. But my countries attitude towards women alone, doesn't really give me the freedom to walk wherever and whenever I want. Especially, freely on the roads, or a lakeside or a park. Anything could happen to you.

Next, I take singing breaks, yes, i sit down on my mat and do some serious 'riyaaz' mostly for half hour or an hour. After which i usually feel good and generous. And loving and all. But again it lasts for a short while only.

Breathing breaks, Yep, i sit down and just breath for a few minutes. I like to use meditation apps. Some of these apps have beautiful voices and people with indepth insights and knowledge on matters close to my heart or for that matter anyones heart. If you have the time explore them. Could be worth your time too.

Stare at the sky and grass breaks.

I just sit like a 'Guggu' (idiot in Kannada) lol, and stare at the sky, and clouds and everything above. Sometimes I get lucky to spot white doves and sometimes actual 'Goobes' (Sparrow- slang word in kannada :D)

Yoga break
I actually like to stretch out on my manduka mat and feel my breath and hear my bones creak. If you close your eyes into the simplest poses it makes a lot of difference. But again, the effects of it may or may not last depending on your environment. Sometimes it takes more than just a stretch, you may even have to try to bend your back completly into a snake pose or a much advanced stand on your head pose. I don't try too hard by the way. I am happy with moving just a little bit.

Poem breaks
I like to write or scribble into my notepad or some app, where no one knows me. Where total strangers read me and leave appreciative notes instead of dead silence of known friends and family. Yeah, this sucks. Sometimes unknown people are better than most people you know, but wait till they know you and the praise will stop right there.

Green breaks
I also spend a lot of time going and meeting my green friends in short intervals. This was my garden before it got a makeover by a nice maali, (Gardener) Greenery gives my heart the solace which it looks for, i don't feel that alone when I am with my plants.


Dance break.
Put on some soft music or bhangra or some exhillerating new age music and move to the beat. This is something i dont do very often these days, maybe I should start all over again.

I write blogs :)

Play the guitar, I hardly learnt a few chords and a few beats. So i like to strum those when I want to feel a flow.

I talk to my parents when its really bad.
I talk to very few people and now its mostly on the messages, so yes as i write this i realise how lonely people are getting or its just me.

What are your breaks? How do you unwind from time to time, what relaxes you and free's you from the anxt?
I would really really love to hear from anyone who writes back..

A heart to heart with Dhanashree

A Chat With Dhanashri Ghaisas, A Fresh Young Voice From The Jaipur-Atrauli Gharana

Originally, Posted on Womens Web

July 30th. 

2018

Dhanashri Ghaisas, a talented Hindustani vocalist of Jaipur-Atrauli gharana, shishya of Vidushi Dr Ashwini Bhide Deshpande, says passion for music is what drives her.

Bollywood, popular media, many advertising commercials and stand up gigs, haven’t really helped the cause of Indian classical music much. There is mostly a comical way of portraying riyaaz (practice of music) as, “Aaaa” gamaks, and people getting bored or youngsters making excuses and running away from it. This is far from reality, but directly or indirectly, popular mass media has done quite a lot of damage. But, more and more youngsters taking up Hindustani music and Carnatic Music seriously are definitely challenging this perception.

Proving such clichéd portrayals wrong is one such young upcoming Hindustani classical vocalist, 32-year-old Dhanashri Ghaisas. She happens to be the student of renowned Hindustani classical vocalist Dr Ashwini Bhide-Deshpande. A musician, an erstwhile architect, a wife, a mother, a homemaker and a performing artiste now, she wears many hats with grace. Her music is important to her, and despite being busy with everything else in life, her time for everyday riyaaz is non-negotiable.

One voice, many stages

A recipient of the ‘President’s Gold Medal’ by the All India Radio for Semi classical and Light music, Dhanashri stood first in Hindustani Vocal music in the All India competition by Acharya Vishwanath Dev Sarma foundation, USA and is a Graded artist of all India radio. She has performed at various classical and semi classical music concerts in India and abroad.

The Pandit Sawai Gandharva Bhimsen Mahotsav is one of the world’s most prominent and popular Indian classical concerts. This program was started in 1953 by Pandit Bhimsen Joshi, a great Hindustani classical singer, as a music conference to commemorate the achievements of his master, the legendary Pandit Sawai Gandharva. To any Hindustani music afficinado this program will be on the top of any list as a must go to program. It is also extremely popular as a concert that showcases every upcoming and promising talent in the world of Hindustani classical music. Dhanashri Ghaisas was invited to sing on this stage in 2016.

Ganasaraswati Mahotsav is another great stage, which was started in 2013 to commemorate the Ganasaraswati Kishori Amonkar Tai’s contribution to music. This stage not only is a stage for taking the music of legends to the masses but it also promotes upcoming promising talent too.

Performances on these stages such as Shreemath Sangeet Samaroh in Benaras, the Pandit Mallikarjun Mahotsav in Dharwad, and many others too, are very special to her as audiences in such places are quite learned and it’s a joy to perform in places where the music is understood, not only appreciated.

Dhanashri has also received the Late Seetaram Dixit and Malati Dixit award for semi-classical music, as well as scholarships from the Ministry of Culture, Government of India, the Sawai Gandharva Scholarship and the Late Ushatai Muzumdar scholarship.

Born into music

Dhanashri was born into a musically inclined family and grew up listening to music. Her mother is a classical music student, who trained under Smt Kamal Tambe, a senior disciple of Ganatapaswini Moghubai Kurdikar. She grew up surrounded by the Hindustani genre, thus being strongly influenced by it. She considers herself fortunate and blessed to have Dr Ashwini Bhide as her guru, whom she fondly refers to as Ashwini tai. But the inherent talent only started nurturing and forming shape in her teens. Her first guru Smt. Kumudini Katadare disciple of Smt. Kamal Tambe started honing her skills at the age of 16.

Later, it was but the most natural choice to turn to her own aunt, her mother’s brother’s wife, Dr Ashwini Bhide, who took her under her guidance, furthering her natural talents and inclination towards Hindustani classical Sangeet.

My Guru, my tai

Not only music, but a way of life is what one learns from a guru. Every guru and shishya has a special bond, and a Guru is more than just a teacher. Not only does she impart her knowledge, a guru shows you the path.

A guru can give you their best, but it is on the shishya to take it forward by diligent ‘riyaaz’ and practice, and being the shishya of a vocalist fo Dr Bhide’s stature certainly comes with a responsibility. “As everyone knows, Ashwini Bhide is a multi-faceted person. From acquiring masters in Microbiology to a Doctorate in Biochemistry, it doesn’t come easy. Seeing how she did so well in whatever she took up, was a huge learning curve for me and all her students,” says Dhanashri.

Before Dhanashri got married and moved to Mumbai she shuttled her way from Pune to Mumbai every week for her sessions with her guru Dr Bhide. Learning was always an enjoyable process which she never considered a chore. Her motto has been to enjoy her learning curve as much as possible.

One may ponder: on belonging to one family, how did they maintain a guru shishya distance? “My tai never differentiated between other students and me. Though being a part of the family and being a close knit one gave me an edge to observe the thought process and creativity of a great mind and how it works. To observe a genius living, breathing and thinking so closely was a privilege,” shares Dhanashri.

A raag or a building – make the foundation strong!

Dhanashri is also an architect, who has worked in the field of architecture for 5 years. She gave it all up for music, as her calling for it was much stronger, thus making music her chosen path.

“Both these subjects are very close to my heart. I feel they are both mediums of expressions, and are trying to say something, an idea, thought or emotion. When you design a building, its foundation is the most important thing, but you also have to pay attention to its aesthetics, utility, and functionality. In music, a musician has to build a raag, with sur-lay getting together, and create good music.”

Furthering this thought, she shares, “There is a sense of proportion, symmetry, and balance that is common to both, as both are art forms. It could be structured like a building or expressed like a painting. What you have to say is most important.”

Passion for whatever you do is supreme

On how she manages motherhood and a musical journey, Dhanashri feels, if one is passionate, nothing can stop you from your goals. Having a family is a blessing, not a stop or hindrance. “My family has been my biggest support system and I owe them everything. If there is enough passion in you, you will manage everything and still find time for your art or job or whatever it is you do. Being passionate enough is everything to sustain multi tasking in life, I feel”.

Is it a race out there like every other field?

“I always enjoyed what I learnt, I never looked at it as – oh I have to do this, come what may, I will accomplish this. No, that wasn’t the approach for me. There was a love for music, and I thoroughly enjoyed my classes and learnt with immense joy”.

Dhanashri also feels there is a healthy competitive spirit around her, and she wants to do better than yesterday and doesn’t compare herself to anyone. She owes a lot of this to her Tai, whom she quotes advising, “Find your individuality in your music, and establish that.” Dhanashri makes it her moto to follow this and tries to be very individualistic in her renderings.

I was fortunate to listen to her croon exclusively for me, a woman centric Hori, “Tum Radhe bano Shyam, hum nandalala”, you be the radhe, and let me be Krishna for a change, and play hori with me. Dhanashri’s bold but extremely melodious voice continues to linger in my ears.

Riyaaz is the only way, no shortcuts!

Dhanashri stresses on everyday riyaaz, because, “if you are practicing on a daily basis then you have command over your medium through which you are trying to express your music. You can then present your music to your best of your ability in a concert. Accompanying the guru on stage is a huge learning experience. Tai always gives her shishyas an opportunity to sing in between in her concerts, and does appreciate if they do well, and encourages them to do better. Sometimes listening to a shishya accompanying her guru on the taanpura, people invite them to perform independently in festivals which are organised to showcase the talent of new budding artistes like us.”

Message to all budding artistes

“If you have enough passion about your own music, pursue it. Enjoy the process, and work hard.“

Images source: Dhanashri Ghaisas

My Castle Nap In UK!

We all think too much these days, and we analyze and dissect every thought or emotion or logic we have. In a way its good, it keeps us busy and engaged. But how productive are we when we do this? Does it serve us any purpose? Yesterday, I wrote about how much i analyze and think and my wish to do lesser and think lesser and be the observer. In the past i have also written about listening as an art. 

As I think and write about this, i am taken aback to a day in my life, somewhere a decade ago. It was one time, i think i had the most restful sleep in my entire life. I slept like a baby under a beautiful tree. This was in UK, a castle called Leeds castle, near London. In its larger than life premises, no vehicles are allowed. Its not like India where, we lazy buggers are allowed that lenience everywhere, and if we don't get it, we fight against rules and "Protest". 

It was afternoon time and we had had a nice game of volleyball and frisbee with a team full of enthusiastic colleagues of my husband. We had had our packed meal like typical Indians, laid out picnic baskets and all and right on the sprawling lawns of the Leeds, we had our lunch. I remember it was opposite the maze that our India noisy group sat and gobbled on Parathas with pickles and curd rice. 

After lunch the team decided it was time for 'tug of war' and the wives or girl friends on one team and men on the other or some thing like this was decided. So down the team went to a stream or pond and decided to battle it out there. As I saw all of them running excitedly towards the pond, something struck me. The sheer beauty of that place and the view I got from there. I decided to stay back there and found myself a small place under a massive tree's shade. I loitered around there while I could hear the entire team of this excited Indian bunch bubbling with enthusiasm down there with their rope and preparations to pull and tug at it. 

I had a mat with me and i laid it out and there i went. I sat there staring at the English Countryside with almost jaw dropping at how beautiful it was. It was sheer bliss. And we were in the backyard of a castle, what more could i ask for. For a new bride, i was quite the contrary, comfortable in my new environment. I had no idea this was going to be my best nap ever. As this group faded from my eyes, i relished the breeze around, the English sun, my own stories of the castle and the past in my head, the lunch, i never realized my eyes just shut and there I went into a beautiful siesta on the grass. I have no idea how long i slept or whether some grasshoppers went over my head, but I had the best sleep ever. I still remember how rested I was laying in the grass, watching my husband play like a child with his team members. It was really bliss. I stared into nothing, and then at the group, from there into the pond and stream, at the ducks far off, at white peacocks somewhere really far off, majestically, strutting their stuff up and down for the charmed visitors. 

Sometimes you need to experience that state of no thoughts and no awareness to enjoy life. Now if I think of it, maybe it was my earthly experience of laying in the grass being alive and able to enjoy the world from there. This was my best nap ever. The one which I will cherish for long. Leeds Castle, Uk. :) 

Anybody reading this, if you think this was something you related to, write to me, about your favourite nap time, where, how, whys.. Should be interesting. 

(PS- If you are in London, or UK, visit some castles, its worth it) :) 

I analyse and i ruin

Every expression, on her face,
I read, i absorbed, i memorised,
Only to play it again and again
To torment myself,
Just a little more,
Every little smug smile,
Or a sly glance at me, i notice
I don't forget it,
It pierce's my eyes, first
Then my heart, rarely it does reach my soul
Iam thankful not everything is stored there,
She writes, something on her wall,
I glance, I store, and torment myself again,
Is that for me
What did i do
Sometimes i think so much,
I can ruin moments,
Sometimes i cant even remain in a moment,
I find it so excruciating to be here,
In the now, nowadays,
Is it just me?
Or it's every body?
Does everyone analyse things as much as I do
Maybe they do,
Coz if they didn't,
There would be more smiles and laughter around
In a world full of so many opinions
I drown in a sea of my own analytics
I look forward to a world
Where I think less
And do even lesser,
I just could be the observer
The witness,
I could calmly let the world go by
And watch with non attachment in my heart
Is that worth it?
Would that humor me, just a little bit?

Too close for comfort-Bombaying Bengaluru?

(If you are wondering, why this image? its my dream, well sort of and it doesn't exist in reality, at least not in the current "Grab every inch of earth and destroy it for i want my money" type of scenario.)

As we complete almost a decade in our first home, I long and fidjet to move out our current home into a new place. Ofcourse I haven't found my dream place as of yet. Mostly because i know nothing of that sort exists anymore. You either like what you get, or you get what you want. The later being more difficult, as it involves, searching for what you want, narrowing down on the place, doing research on neighborhood, and a whole lot of things.

Any visit to a newly launched complex in Bangalore throws you out of balance. Atleast thats the case with me, as I am what you call an old Bangalorean and am more use to a low rise life style with a minimal respectful space of bedrooms and kitchen and bathroom spaces. We grew up witnessing, big spaces, large verandahs, warm halls, decent enough for bed and study type bedrooms and still had space for a small garden and two coconut trees.

It comes as a shock to me, when I walk into these larger than life building complexes and hear these trained men and women speak about ameneties first before anything else, because I guess thats the only thing attractive about these "Zombie" zones.  With many a promised grounds and playgrounds, these massive projects plan to revive the play zones and have cricket, football or basket ground places. But I doubt their intentions as so much of what they plan to offer is a compromise of sorts. They also charge you for a view. Yes! You heard that right, i was shocked to know, they charge for something they did not build or create. there is the sky and the trees which many of them they uprooted, so if you want a particular view there is a price on it.

Some of the rooms do not even have windows, if you select a particular size, suppose that is what you can afford, so if you select the minimum square foot home, you will miss out of many windows. My question is how much profits do these people want to make, and why? View charge- Oh really? "Ridiculous"

So now I pay to view the sky, which is basically a stupid sur charge on nature. And what is with the size of the rooms and kitchens, everything is shrunk and made to model houses in Bombay. Never did Bangalore witness such small bathrooms. Its clearly a compromised way of life. And the neighbors are always too close for comfort. I just feel even in plots, these days, people refuse to let go of an inch of land and construct on every inch, the concept of leaving space for a garden is long forgotten. Who has the time to maintain one. I will have the prettiest house only to show it to maximum number of people, that this is my Tajmahal.

I am all for change and progress folks, do not get me wrong, but this business of cutting corners and shrinking the size of every inch of what use to be a home, now a compromise just doesn't go down well with me. I am unable to cope with this rapid "Bombaying" of my city.

Just the other day, i spoke to someone who lives on a farm of 3 acres. I was thrilled to get to meet someone who lives on farm in Bangalore in todays time, so i asked her, how wonderful it must be. She said, yes, it use to be, but now, the city has come closer and it no more is an area which is cut off from the hustle. I was disappointed again. Another day, i met a cousins friend who had a farm in the outskirts where they would throw new years party for close ones. She also sighed and said, its no more a farm land and that, they are under constant threat to shut shop and sell the green patch with 100 year old trees. As the concrete wants to take over, in short real estate wants to engulf every inch of the living mother earth and we cant do a thing. We cannot do anything about it. We can wail, we can complain, we can go on and on about the ills, but no, i realised we cant stop this plunder.

Once upon a time, foreigners  invaded our land and history talks about loots and decoys and destruction of land and property by these foreigners. Its the same today, but a little different, in the sense people looting are apparently rich real estate sahabs who are hungrily looking at the next forest to take down, or the next lake to destroy, to sell us another dream, to put a charge on what view we have, i wonder where the world is going, and then, i am called a cynic.
Is it my fault?

Couldn't they let this land just be!

Work! - Womens Web

http://www.womensweb.in/2014/05/why-every-woman-needs-work/a

Please click on this link to read this article. I am posting it here, cause it has the most number of clicks as an article online, for me, till now..

The purpose's? The WHY's

WHY



They say that, in life even if you do not know the answers, if you know the right questions, you might be on your way to the path you have been searching for.

I had written a blog here, "for what purpose", about a few years back. Today i am re-visiting, the same dialogue, conversation, and thought. How many of us give a thought to an action before it is done. I am afraid not many of you? if you do, then, so good for you, but if you are like me and the majority of us, its most likely that you do the action and then give it a thought, why am I doing this, or why did I do this. Many may not even have an after thought, of their action.

In my last blog about purpose, I had mentioned a lady who asked me, for what purpose do you learn vocal-music, and I had a vague response to it, and I was also surprisingly, egoistically, angry with the lady and her question. Its as if, how dare she not understand my vagueness and ask me this. Of course i am the most philosophical person on earth and "she" should know that, music is learnt just for music itself.
Ugh! how vague is that!

Today, as I sit with my new found love which is, the guitar, I wonder, why am I learning this. Only this time, i have a more specific reason. I want to be my own musician because in the past i have faced lot of trouble, engaging instrumentalists to accompany my song practices. So much so that I have annoyed quite a few with my constant need to lean on them for my own practice. So here goes, yes i have a specific purpose and i can proudly declare it to the world too. I am no more vague about it.

When i posted my blog in 2006/7 with my "Tanpura" looking all divine, it was great, but then, i had no purpose and the lady who asked me this, was right. She asked me the right question, purpose is indeed everything. Without a specific goal in mind, without a destination in sight, without a purpose set to achieve, I lost track of the "WHY" and the WHY is everything. Why am I doing this,  why am i venturing out on this new mission, why am i marrying this person (Btw, most important question of your life, the rest of your life, will be decided by the outcome of this one question, believe me). These why's will make your life easier as they will give you constant clarity. This clarity leads to peace and peace leads to better results, which is what most of us look for.

Today, I am looking for an answer as to "Why" I seek out classical music so much and then do not end up doing justice to my hours of learning, searching, commuting to teachers, finding them, paying for my classes. WHY do I, or why did I do all this for so many years? While its useless to search for questions in past I want to know.

Why now?
One of my first Gurujees, teachers, passed away yesterday. I had no idea how much it could hurt. As I went to see him one last time, I saw him lay there like an angel, taking rest. He looked peaceful and blissful. He was at ease. There was no turmoil on his face. He had 4 daughters whom he had married and seen all his grandchildren. He spent his lifetime worshiping music and in 'Sadhana'. His daughter told me that he was up and about till the last day getting the children ice cream and cakes, I think this is the kind of exit any human may want, without suffering, without the pain of illness etc. I have seen many people go away. But Gurujee looked beautiful in his sleep, like an angel and messenger of music and love.

So, my only message is, ask yourself, WHY! Today, before embarking on my next class, i am seriously going to find the answer to why I want to learn further. Find the why, seek it, it will give you what you are looking for.

A Poem

Early mornings are time for some music practise and with that comes the inspiration to write. My morning ramblings, posted on a writing app. Trying to post here.

I may never have this cup of coffee,
With you again, in the same way,
I may never sip the same way,
We may never get to laugh at the same joke again,
I may never get to sit in that bar stool ever again,
I may, just not in the same way, not in the same place,
Not in the exact moment,
I may not look at you the same way I looked in that moment ever again,
I may, in some other moment,
Have something else with you,
But we might never ever see the same
Cloud pass by ever again,
Do you realize, how precious each moment is
Can we see how the smallest things we are doing,
Is creating a memory somewhere,
Of the roads, of the billboards passing,
Of the narrow lanes,
Of the wider ones,
Of the river flowing along, as we talk of childhood,
Moments, like that cup of coffee, don't come back,
We might have some other cup,
But that same moment, nah!
Never.

Burning issue- Bruhut Bengaluru!

Its about 4 am or a little more than 4 am, maybe 4.10 am, but its am, yes, morning, early morning. Once again I cannot sleep any longer, something is keeping me awake. I wonder how the hell is everyone asleep. How is an entire population of people, not bothered? doesn't care, wont move, will lie like a log. Not that i am blaming them, they had a tough day, a bad day, a busy day, a rough day, so understandable, sleep is important.

But, not when your house is on Fire! Literally, now its a pile next to your house, or a huge collection centre on the main road, tomorrow, it could actually be in our homes. Actually even if its not in our homes, its smoke, it enters our homes. it is bad, very bad.
Right now, is my yoga time and i am up here on my desk writing this, as i just cannot concentrate on myself anymore with this raging issue facing us. But people are sleeping.

"Hey did you smell that?
What?
That horrible smell of garbage and smoke?!!!
Oh, oh, now that you say, yaaaa... hmmmm, what to do...

End of story. End of conversation. I want to continue my practise and then move on to my other early morning chores, but here i am, unable to bear the smog and smoke anymore. I have personally gone down so many times to tell people not to do this, but they have their own arguments.

Burner- What will we do will this pile then madam, you tell us?
Me - Wait for the BBMP to come and collect the trash.
B - That and all wont happen madam, so this is the best.
M- But you shouldn't do this, it is hazardous to the enviornment.
B- When your building was made, do you think there was no pollution.
m- Gaping with no reasoning anymore. But but but...
B - The bbmp doesnt collect mam, even if they do, they themselves go and burn it, so what difference does it make.

I mean, really, doesn't anything matter anymore? And he is not wrong, there are small collection centres in the end of roads, where I have myself seen and reported collection men, burning off the garbage. Right in front of a prestigious complex and school in Jakkur, there is a big black mark on the wall, does anyone bother to stop and ask these garbage collectors, why are you doing this. No, no one. Public apathy is one thing.
Why are agencies not doing their work, is appalling.

Even as I vent, i am coughing the horrible carbon out of my throat as I can feel lumps of the garbage filled smog in my breath. Pranayam my foot. With what, breath in dirt, and breath out what? I feel like putting this up everywhere. But i am sure no one will read this and no one is going to do anything about it.

But I promise myself, this is the beginning. I urge people, if even half a person reads this, do something, collect people, go to these burning spots with buckets of sand or water and throw it on them, do not allow a bunch of fools to spoil the entire atmosphere. This is serious.

Is anyone listening? Good morning Bengaluru.

It matters; write!

I think the biggest challenge free lancers face is, the actual task of selecting a topic which will be relevant to the present and not be some random shit content, which no one will read more than a line.
I have been going through a writers block for the past few months, not sure how many months. Too much social media, too much screen time and the smart phone has made me a bit dumb in using my own intelligence to churn out some content for the websites I wrote in the past or for that matter even my blog.

The last I wrote was for www.womensweb.in and www.bonobology.com. Apart from that I wrote for www.literaryyard.com once. Actually I never expected them to publish my stuff but, there it was, my poem, "Origin", did very well on their site. At least thats what it seemed like.

There are too many reasons for you not to write. Too many, you name it and you know, its a farty reason not to write. I am busy, i run a lot, i have loads of guitar lessons to practice, i sing and i have a small dream to sing one day. God, how much do you dream? did you sing till now? did you have the courage to accept that invitation from your posh neighbor, to go and sing in her residents villa complex. No, right! So, get over it, you will never, or maybe not in the near future, do many things you always wanted to do. So write, because thats what you think of all the time.

I am sure you have read too many blogs by experts on writing and you don't need me to say anything, but what the hell, I need to write it in my blog atleast.

1) Write because you matter:
No matter what you think of yourself, you matter, your voice matters. What you think, feel and say, matters; to you, to people who are vouching on you, and waiting for your brilliance to shine.

2) Dont wait for that perfect moment, it never happens;
lets not be waiters. We all know what happens to them, you wait and then you die. Do you want to die just like that, with all your great ideas and brilliant intents to just be buried or burnt with you. For what? Next life? yeah right, like you have one, how are you so sure? because thats what the movies told you, books told you? right! so good luck with your next life.

3) Just write because you love it;
For the love of yourself and God, write, because thats all you want to do.

4) News on social media channels, tv, internet, radio, its everywhere and everything that we hear generates an idea, or a thought. Start with that, write about your thoughts, maybe you will find your people from there. Someone may agree, disagree, or whatever, atleast you put out your view on a certain happening.

5) It will feel good. Writing will definitely feel good. Trust me, all your sadness and depression and long face, might disappear for a while, when you write. So the more you write, the more healing it is. The better you feel. I am not saying, stop seeing your therapist, or stop those meds, but try your love of writing, its healing. Its healing because for once you will be doing something for yourself.

6) Writers write;
How many times have we heard this. So once again, writers write, they don't sit and vent on social media. They get things done. They write, we write, because it matters to us. Not for anyone else, just for yourself. Do it.

7) Expect nothing; be brave, put it out

Enough said, gotta sleep now, i have running practice in the morning. Early morning. See I got something done today, so start.
Good Luck. 

My Gift

I hear you!

When are you really happy?? Like realllllllly happy? I mean it? Ask yourself, immensely happy. Ok most will go there, you know where, but thats not what i am talking about. Which brings me to the question, what is happiness? For different people it is different things at different times. Sometimes its a new job, sometimes its a new spouse, a partner, a pet, a new business venture. But again, my question is something deeper, what is that which never changes within you?

Your state of mind? the way you feel?

The way you feel! I am most happy the time when I feel heard. I think listening is the greatest gift one can give another person; that persons nod when you talk; his/her agreement at what you said; or disagreement sometimes, (Shows that they are really listening, btw) the eyes which say, i am here, with you, all this and much more comes through when someone is truly listening. A feeling of satisfaction envelops you when someone is truly listening and paying attention. That is the feeling i am talking about. This feeling of satisfaction can come through any source, any action, through anybody. Sometimes an unknown person whom you met for a second on the metro can make you feel happy, and why? because they heard you.

How can you receive more of this gift of listening? By giving this gift to others first.

1. Truly listen: When you give someone your ear, you develop a lot of senses within yourself, for a moment that person opens up a whole new world for you. You no more are the centre of the universe. You start thinking of ways to help him/her. You develop empathy. You train your mind to 'shut up'. You did someone a good deed, it will ultimately make you happier. Isn't that what we are all looking for. 
2.  Give an earful, receive a heartful: Really listen to every word of what a person just said, how many times has it happened, that you drifted away during a conversation? Always, right? Yes, always, for most of us. If we could see that the people we like the most are those that really give us their ear, how about giving that back to the world? Or that person who hears you the most, today, go and hear him out. Happiness - Guaranteed!
3. It is ok, let nothing shock you: Don't shy away from intimate conversations. If someone is opening up to us, what do we usually do, we shy away. "omg, what is she sharing, i did not want to hear that", is mostly our heads response. Big deal! You are no more six, nothing should shock you. Just listen, without any bias. What is the big deal? Just listen like you were a peice of wood, you just had to listen. A table has to hear us cry, no options. Similarly, become wood, listen and I swear, you will come out enriched and satisfied that someone opened up to you and you could lend a shoulder.
4. Do not judge: Now that you know a little, will you judge the person you are hearing? Mostly yes, But that's the thing, do not judge. There is nothing more hurting than, me talking to someone and finding out that the person has changed her behaviour towards me the next day. Clearly she has judged me. So, thats something you do not need to do. You clear your dirty mind first. 

Lastly by listening you are doing no body a big favor. Infact, they are doing you a favor, by opening up their mind and heart for that moment. So don't act like a star. You just know another story, acknowledge, hold their hand and move on. Somebody enriched you with their experiences. You are not the bigger person here, its the person's faith in humanity, that they shared so openly with you. So relax. Just be happy.

You share, you feel light and loved. You hear someone out, you feel elated and a teeny weeny bit bigger, grow your heart. Be the bigger person, give your ear to someone. Hear people out, if you want to be happy.

The Meyerowitz Stories

A moving tale of a family. Like every family and its dysfunctionality, Meyerowitz is a little high on the dysfunction. With children, and step children and self obsessed parents, the movie reflects a lot of peoples homes. 

Its funny but not funny at all. The movie is extremely real and touches so many chords of so many of us, leading our lives. I saw it on Netflix and totally loved the movie. 

While Danny, Mathew and Jean are the three siblings from different mothers but same father. They are shown bonding really well, especially when senior Meyerowitz, the eccentric self obsessed father played by Dustin Hoffman, falls terribly ill. A tale of aging parents and settled but unsettled children. Its a tale of love and no love, its also a tale of trying to be loved but finding people too caught up in their own lives. 

I for one, loved Danny, Adam Sandlers character, who is a failed musician trying to get the attention he never got from his father in this old age. On the other hand Mathew his successful

son, who runs a financial services firm, resents his father for giving him too much attention and actually not loving him for who he was, but who he thought he should be. Jean on the other hand their plain jane sister, played beautifully, by Elizabeth Marvel, tries to balance out things in her own way. She is quite 'Ok' with anything and everything, and has a quiet disposition which comes across as cool.

Why am i giving such a boring synopsis of the movie. Its a beautiful story of a broken family and an overbearing father, a sculptor who has passed his prime and who has little or no interest in people around him. 

One of the most funniest and interesting scenes in the movie is for me, the scene where, the brothers get to know of an old family friend who abuses their sister Jean and in their own way get back at him. Only thing is the man is 90 years old and has lost most of his memory and needs help to move around. They damage his car and its cute the way they want to avenge what he did to their sister decades ago. Jean on the other hand comes and tells them that this is stupid and that what are they doing, the man has lost his senses and that it wasn't exactly abuse. But Danny says, that she was masturbated on when she was so young by a grown up man, this incident must have traumatized her for life. Its very cute what they do for their sister. 

In reality, what happens when a girl reveals something like this after ages, that "Look, your nephew 'X' did this to me, one day in the balcony on the swing." What do they do, when you tell them, "Look, "Y" did this to me on the pretext of teaching me a two wheeler." What do they do, when you tell them, "Look, 'z', spoke dirty to me and it was verbal abuse. What do your folks do. In my experience and in various homes of friends, i have spoken to - Take a deep sigh, look perplexed, shocked, ashamed, angry and then blurt out - "why didn't you tell us at that time?" err, because i was 8, 10 and then 13. And I didn't know how to tell you guys. Now you know, punch him, slap him, do something. But, responses like - "Hmmmm".. or "Shocked face".. or.. "Long silence" but no action. 

And later, maybe really later, you realize, you don't expect any action, because you want no drama. 

Because, you are done with family drama. And digging up will be no less than any family drama. 

The Meyerowitz are every family in the world, a little functional and a lot dysfuntional or vice versa. No family has it all in place, infact none of us have it all figured out. But should abuse among us be ignored? Today's atmosphere is speaking a lot about abuse within the family. But should it also be blown up and talked about years later in some family function and create discord. Its all so confusing. Like many hindi movies like, 'Highway', 'Monsoon Wedding', spoke about childhood abuse, and then went ahead and showed how the perpetrator was made to be accountable in front of the whole family. There was a whole lot of drama there when the girl in question shouts and laments about her abuser and how he did not stop even though she pleaded that, she was a little child. 

It brings back lot of memories to each woman and these scenes make us think, why were we quiet, what can be done now. I have also gone to the extent of making peace with those incidents and being courteous to the people who did this. Was i naive? Do they deserve my forgiveness, are they even aware of what they did? I am sure in some corner of their conscience they know they did this to me. But I really do not wish to rake it up any longer. I do not wish to avenge anything. Maybe in a way Jean is every girl, every girl is Jean. Jean sees the man who masturbated at her, as an old man who has lost it. Who is no more capable of defending himself. In the same way many of us no more want to fight our perpetrators anymore. There is a Jean in every girl. 

Everything I do!

This cartoon appeared in the New York Times today. 

I found this at such an appropriate time. I was in the midst of thinking about every action i take. It could be the smallest action and I would be sitting on the bed or on my sofa or standing and thinking, 'Why am I doing this.' It could be something as simple as going for a run or a walk, and after all the hours put in suddenly one day, i start asking myself, 'Should I run today or do yoga, or should i sit and sing, should I write, or should I cook something.' With all these options creating a kind of anxiety in me, I would just start browsing my phone, for hours. It was much better than deciding about a life crisis, 'What should I do'. It was much better than that. 

Mindless browsing provided an instant gratification and a much needed distraction from an important question. So, did I go for the run? No, I didn't. Did I sit down to practice music, no I didn't. But I did what millions are doing everywhere in the world. Looking at other people, through something called the social lens. Today people could spend hours just looking at a news feed which gives you all kinds of information, or they could be reading what others are doing and where they are going or planning to go, or whom they are seeing, or pictures of their perfect life. 

Everything I do, I do it for Fb... or Twitter, or Instagram.. As the NewYork Times cartoon so rightly questions, our urge to share and document everything on social media. If I do not document it, did I really do it!

I was wondering about a time when there was literally nothing. Why go very far away, we grew up without social media. Werent we happy. We climbed more trees than todays generation. Wait wait, before I go off into a generation philosophical dialouge, which is certainly not why I am writing this. 

The real question is, are we asking ourselves before doing something, before accepting another invite, before posting another activity of mine of FB, "why am I doing this". Yes i look great sitting on stage, having fun at a party, lighting lamps, climbing a mountain, no denying. But did I want to do all those things at all?!? 
So next time, I am definitely using a trick to decide what i want to do. 

The trick: (Only if you want to wake up!) 

A) Whenever I am in a dilemma about what next, i am going to ask, is this for myself, or is it for a photo op? 

b) My heart knows the answer, if it shouts, photo op, photo op, I drop the plan, and dig deep into what i really want to do. 

c) I actually do what I really want to do, even if it sitting at home and doing nothing, than go somewhere only for a photo op! 

d) Does this make me sound depressed? Who cares! I think I am waking up, and I want others also to wake up and thus i am sharing this as an insight inspired by a cartoon in NEWYORK TIMES. 

Guys, please be like Ayushmann Khurrana of Shubh Mangal Saavdhan and talk about ‘gents problem’! 

Author-malini misra. 

(This article of mine, was published on "Bonobology". A site dedicated to couple relationships. 

Shubh Mangal Saavdhan has brought the issue of Erectile Dysfunction into discussion, but it is still a taboo to actually name it

Image source

Being a man was never more complicated than it is today. One in every 4 men could be affected by this problem, globally. Before turning 40, most men have encountered an issue in the area of sexual health. But how many seek medical help is a different conversation. Over the counter drugs like Viagra and other drugs are also being tried out more than ever before.While Erectile Dysfunction has been around as long as eternity, it’s only in modern times that even movies are discussing it not discreetly but openly, or maybe not that openly. As some of the reviews are noting, Shubh Mangal Saavdhan doesn’t once openly mention the medical name of the condition and keeps addressing the issue as something like, ‘gents problem’.

Here’s the trailer for the movie:

No sex please, we’re Indian

Why am I not surprised? The truth is that, any dysfunction is not supposed to be spelled out in our society. And when it comes to men and their issues, it’s better to avoid the topic totally, or so goes the most common approach.

In reality we all know how our parents broach the subject of sex or sexuality with their children. It’s mostly never done.

It is assumed that one comes auto-tuned from Mother Earth on matters of sexuality.

From parents the practice is passed on to younger couples, who never talk about the subject.

It’s taken for granted that if it’s a man, what he does is look at a woman, get his thing up, and then go for it. And when it’s a woman, she wears low-cut blouses and goes dhak dhak, on seeing her potential swami.

But reality bites. You get married assuming or expecting a few early years of passion at least, and then realise something is off. But what is that something? Mummy never explained to me what to expect, how to do it, and no one ever discussed these matters in friends’ circles. They only boasted about their raunchy triumphs with the new boyfriend who resembled Brad Pitt or Salman Khan.

Read what the experts say about the issue ofpremature ejaculation in men.

No family doctor told us that taking the pill to avoid pregnancy in the initial months is an old thing, now check if you two can do it at all. I still remember the discussions around soon-to-be married cousins. The elder Bhabhis in the house would always be reminding the girl about the pill and then take her through the drill of how to, which days, etc.

Not once did anyone think about what if!

No longer in denial

Ayushmann Khurrana, from being the very virile Punjabi who did the noble deed of sperm donation, to a guy with ED, was quite an amazing choice as an actor. But someone had to say it and here Shubh Mangal said it. But with times evolving, our approach also changed. Today our hero is open about it; he is admitting it before tying the nuptial knot. He is seeking help, he is confessing to his fiancée. This is a huge shift from leading men who were macho or in denial.

The new urban male is someone who deals with his ‘Gents Problems’, rather than shoving it under the carpet and pretending it never happened and all is hunky dory at home. Ask the partner, would be my take on it.

Guys, do not be embarrassed, be the Ayushmann of your life, and seek help now, if you see any signs.

Some things to remember about Erectile Dysfunction:

• • Talk about it to your doctor, close friend, girl friend or wife first.
  • Do not ignore it, brush it under the carpet or tell yourself, “It’s a phase, it will go away on its own.”
  • See a doctor, if you think it’s happening frequently.
  • There could be a serious underlying medical condition like diabetes or heart condition attached to this, but more often it is psychological.
  • Acknowledging there is a problem is the biggest battle won, most men do not admit the issue.
  • Share with your partner, she may be your biggest support.
  • Nobody is judging you; all everyone wants is for you to lead a good life, ultimately.
  • And as for the women, keep it simple, and get him help, and take help if needed, too.